Last
week, I was invited to attend two parenting
talks. The first talk was on how to help
children prepare for exams. The second was
on how to help children manage stress and enhance
their self-esteem. The turnout for the first
was four times that of the second. What does
that say about parents' concerns in
Singapore?
Putting aside variables such as
speaker's profile, venue, cost, and timing, I
couldn't help thinking that the word 'exam' had
made all the difference. One speaker told me
bluntly, "Face it. Singaporean parents are
more interested in getting their children to score
A's in exams than in anything else."
The fact that parents are
concerned or even anxious about how well their
children perform in exams is no surprise.
Many see their children's academic performance as
an indicator that predicts the latter's future
success. Some see improvement in grades as
the measure of the 'return on investment' for the
thousands of dollars they had poured into their
children's tuition and enrichment programmes.
Others see their children's achievements as
a measure of their own success as parents.
Perhaps, these explain the
uproar from some parents when the Ministry of
Education (MOE) announced last year the decision
to remove formal exams from the first two years of
primary education. While MOE's move
brings much relief to the children, freeing them
to concentrate on learning rather than preparing
for exams, the idea that children do not sit for
exams is unimaginable for some parents.
Suddenly, the single measure of success (i.e.
grades) that once meant everything to them no
longer exists. More anxiety is generated, as
the burning question of "How is my child doing?"
remains unanswered.
Anxiety from the feeling of
uncertainty is normal. But anxiety over not
knowing how well one's child is doing academically
is unnecessary, and sometimes even
counter-productive. I wished I could reach
out to these parents and tell them a little secret
about helping children excel in their
studies.
Here's the secret:
"Provide the
necessary guidance, support and encouragement,
and then get out of the
way."
I want to emphasize on the
second part - "Get out of the
way." By that, I mean avoid being
the obstacle to our children's success. Why
do I say that? Parents' anxiety is perhaps the
greatest source of stress to children. When
parents are anxious about their children's
performance, the latter becomes excessively
worried about meeting their parents'
expectations. Their minds begin to be
filled with thoughts such as "What would happen if
I didn't do well?", "I can't disappoint my
parents", and "I must do well and not let them
down." Now, what's wrong with these
thoughts?
In the language of performance
coaching, they are called 'interference.'
Timothy Gallwey, the originator of the Inner Game
methodology that is used widely in the field of
professional coaching wrote:
In every human endeavor
there are two arenas of engagement: the outer
and the inner. The outer game is played on an
external arena to overcome external obstacles to
reach an external goal. The inner game takes
place within the mind of the player and is
played against such obstacles as fear,
self-doubt, lapses in focus, and limiting
concepts or assumptions. The inner game is
played to overcome the self-imposed obstacles
that prevent an individual or team from
accessing their full potential.
In simple terms the game can be
summarized in a formula: Performance =
potential-interference, P=p-i. According
to this formula, performance can be enhanced
either by growing "p" potential or by decreasing
"i," interference.
In the context of academic
performance for children, doing revision,
acquiring effective study skills, and mastering
exam techniques are all about the Outer
Game. Part of the Inner Game is about
overcoming the fear of not doing well enough, the
anxiety from not meeting parents' expectations,
and guilt from not working hard enough so as to
avoid letting their parents down.
Hence, in order to enhance
children's performance, parents ought to consider
helping them grow their potential as well as
eliminating or minimizing the interference.
The first half of the secret I had shared earlier,
"Provide the necessary guidance, support and
encouragement" deals with growing our children's
potential. And I believe most well-meaning
parents are already doing that to some
extent. It is eliminating the interference
by "getting out of the way" and not letting our
anxiety create unnecessary stress in our children
that warrants more attention.
So, parents, if you want your
child to excel, learn to get out of the way!
[By Kenny Toh, Founder of
Institute of Advanced
Parentology]
How to REALLY
Love Your
Child
