Amongst the many qualities that
parents commonly wish their children could be,
'confident' often emerges as one of the top few,
along with happy, responsible and
respectful. And as a parenting coach, one of
the questions that I frequently receive from
parents is "How to boost my child's
confidence?"
This week,
instead of writing another article (see
Raising Confident Children) let me share the
transcript of an recent interview I had with a
parenting publication. Below is an excerpt
from this interview.
Q1. What are the reasons leading
to children being not confident? Are there ways to
prevent these from happening?
To understand the reasons for
the lack of confidence in children, we first need
to understand the nature of confidence. The
sense of confidence is derived from a child's
beliefs in his own capability for handling a
specific task or challenge. A child who is
highly confident at playing the piano might not be
confident at riding the bicycle. In other
words, confidence is task-specific. However,
when a child is confident in most aspects of his
life, he will naturally appear to be a 'confident'
child.
It is worth noting that it is
self-belief that determines confidence, not actual
capability. For example, a child who is
intellectually capable of solving a complex
mathematical problem may not feel confident about
attempting to solve it because he believes that he
is 'slow' or 'no good' in mathematics (perhaps due
to frequent comparison with his smarter
sibling).
Hence, there are two common
reasons that cause children to be not
confident. One is a genuine lack of
competence, resulting in a judgment that he is not
capable of handling the task at hand. The
other is a negative self-belief that he has
acquired from previous experience. The first
can be addressed through taking proactive steps to
develop the child's competence. The second
can be prevented by avoiding statements to the
child that might suggest that he is either
'incapable' or 'not good enough' for the task at
hand.
Q2. How would children who are
more confident stand to gain, be it in the present
or when they grow up in the
future?
Confidence and self-esteem are
closely linked, and the latter has a huge impact
on the child's well-being, development and
growth. A child who is confident in many
aspects of his life tends to enjoy a higher
self-esteem than one who is not. Self-esteem
refers to how a child feels about himself.
It is derived from a sense of self-worth when who
he thinks he is meets or exceeds his expectations
of who he thinks he should be.
A child with higher self-esteem
is typically happier, and more likely to devote
his time, attention and energy to learning and
experiencing new things in life. In the long
run, he is more likely to develop a healthy
personality and actualise his potentials.
Conversely, a child who lacks
confidence, especially if he feels that he is
"good at nothing" will suffer from a low
self-esteem. As a result, he feels unhappy
or even frustrated, and will seek ways to gain
what he thinks will fulfil his basic need for
esteem.
Children with low self-esteem
are more proned to maladjusted behaviours.
For example, some children are addicted to
computer gaming because through the virtual
identity (e.g. an avatar or a powerful warrior) in
the alternate world, they are able to experience
the sense of confidence, acceptance, respect and
significance which they lack in the real
world.
Q3. Can confidence be taught or
is it inherent?
Confidence is not a piece of
knowledge or a skill that can be taught.
Neither is it an inherent attribute that a child
is born with. It is a dynamic feeling which
is derived from the child's beliefs about
himself. Beliefs are acquired and can change
as the child progresses through life.
Perhaps, it is more appropriate
to say that confidence can be cultivated -
meaning, encouraged to develop from within.
And a large part of cultivating confidence in
children is about enabling them to have sufficient
favourable experiences or successes early in life
that can instil in them, a positive
self-belief.
Q4. How do we go about building
confidence in children? Will putting them through
courses or praising them often
help?
True confidence must come from
within, and is based on having attained certain
level of mastery or competence. Hence, to
build confidence in children, we need first to
help them acquire the necessary knowledge, skills
and experience.
Sending them to courses might
help. For example, a young child that does
not know how to swim can become very confident and
comfortable with water after receiving sufficient
instruction, training and practice.
However, praises are to be
avoided. While children typically feel good
when they are praised, excessive praises tend to
make them dependent on external approval, which
might impede the development of a healthy
personality.
Q5. What should parents do to
help their children develop confidence? What
should parents avoid doing so as not to kill their
confidence?
Below are some do's and don'ts
for parents to help children develop
confidence.
-
Encourage children to believe
in themselves by conveying their beliefs in
them. Get used to saying "I believe you
can" and get children used to used to saying,
"Yes, I can do it!"
-
Divide and conquer.
Breakdown the tasks or challenges that
children are faced with into smaller steps, and
help them build momentum on initial
successes.
-
Guide them to acknowledge
their fears, and challenge the underlying
assumptions.
-
Teach children to learn from
mistakes or failures - that's one of the best
ways to help them eliminate the fear of failure.
-
Create a safe environment for
them to try new things.
-
Catch them doing the right
things, and acknowledge immediately.
-
Avoid praising, criticising,
labelling, or passing any judgmental statement
that might negatively affect children's
self-beliefs. (e.g. "slow learner", "stubborn",
"no confident","shy")
Q6. How can we ensure
that our children are confident and not
arrogant?
You have raised a good
point. There is a fine line between
confidence and arrogance, a line that is often
blurred. Sometimes, a child that is
confident may be misperceived by others as
arrogant. Arrogance often carries a
tendency to show off, to see others as inferior,
and to see oneself as superior.
Ironically, beneath the
arrogance is often a feeling of insecurity, which
is commonly associated with the lack of
confidence. As such, some children act
arrogantly to mask their lack of confidence.
A child that is truly confident and secure has no
need to be arrogant.
Hence, to ensure that our
children do not become arrogant, help them develop
a healthy sense of confidence that is based on
competence, and at the same time, seek also to
cultivate in them a sense of humility.
Q7. Is there any other useful
information you wish to share with our
readers?
I had
written another article on
Raising Confident Children in 2006, featured in from
the first issue of
Raising Heroes - a
newsletter by International Network for Parents as
Coaches (INPaC). It might be worth
reading.
[By Kenny Toh, Founder of
Institute of Advanced
Parentology]
The Sixty Minute Father -
