Our 11-year-old has recently
begun a new leg in his journey towards
independence. For many years, we have
been chauffeuring him to and fro school.
A couple of weeks ago, he finally made his
maiden voyage from school to home on his own by
public bus.
Perhaps it wasn't a big deal
for him. But for us, as parents who are ever
so concerned about his physical safety, it is
another critical milestone in our own journey
towards learning the art of letting go. I
cringe at the thought of having to say "Yes" to
him going out on a date with his girlfriend or
taking my car for a spin in a not too distant
future.
That's probably what we could
expect in the course of parenthood - a series of
'tests' that challenge us to progressively let go
of our children, sit back, and watch them spread
their wings and become increasingly more
independent. Unfortunately, there is no rulebook
that tells us when to let our children do
what. Each of us needs to figure out our own
comfort level, risk appetite, and ability to
assess our children's
readiness.
Letting go too early can put
them at unnecessary risk. Letting go too
late may stifle their development and hinder their
growth. Nevertheless, it is an art that we all
ought to master, especially when our children
approach the adolescent years. It is often
said that raising teenagers is the most difficult
time for parents. If that is true, then the
pre-teen years is definitely the time for us to
proactively prepare for the challenge.
In fact, many parents have
shared with me that their pre-teens are already
giving them both headaches and heartaches.
Kids these days readily challenge adults'
authority, question their decisions, and often win
their parents hands down with their superior
reasoning ability. Perhaps that's what they
have been taught in school. Assertiveness
and critical thinking are wonderful qualities, but
also easily misused by the young against their
less proficient parents.
Few parents are armed with the
skill to convince the young of their often flawed
arguments. The only answer to "Why can't I
do this?" is often, "Because I said so!" But
kids aren't prepared to accept such an
authoritarian reply anymore. They will
retaliate with sound rationale that often leaves
their parents speechless and helpless. What
are parents of this new generation kids to
do?
I would say, shift gear and
stop imposing one's adult worldviews onto the
young. Instead, engage them in conversations
that encourage them to reveal their thinking and
feelings. That gives us a chance to
understand how they view the world
differently. Generation gaps are
expected. It is important that we
acknowledge their opinions even if we
disagree. Where appropriate, invite them to
see things from different perspectives, without
invalidating their own.
The truth is, we can't control
what our teens or pre-teens think, let alone what
they do in our absence. They will form their
own opinions about school, music, dating,
premarital sex, religion, alcohol, smoking, and a
host of other things. A big part of 'letting
go' is not only to let them do things on their
own, but also to allow and encourage them to have
their own opinions. What's crucial is that
we seek to maintain a strong and healthy
relationship that places us in a position to
influence them in a positive way. Teens turn
to their friends because their parents don't
listen to them, leaving them to feel unloved.
So, if your kids are
approaching the teenage years, perhaps it's time
to start learning to LET GO, to LISTEN without
judgment, and to communicate in a manner that make
them feel LOVED. Only then, will you retain your
power of influence so as to keep them on the right
track with your adult wisdom.
[By Kenny Toh, Founder of
Institute of Advanced
Parentology]
How To Get
Your Teen To Talk To You
